No Fun

I had gone over the what-if-I-see-her scenario a hundred times, never really sure if it would happen. But only 2 weeks after I found out about your affair I saw you walking down the street. And you were with him. Oh how badly I wanted to confront you. To scream my guts out at you in the middle of the street. To beat the ever-living shit out of him. To take all of the pain you were causing me and give it back ten fold. But unlike you, I was able to stay rational despite my emotions. To think through my actions. To understand that there are consequences.

But it’s hard to get out of your car and walk a short distance when you are physically shaking. So I texted you. I told you what I just saw. Your response? “Would it make a difference if I wasn’t with him?” Some people say there are no dumb questions. They are wrong. That question is the stupidest fucking question I have ever heard. The answer, you selfish twat, is clearly “Fuck. Yes.” By staying with him you are telling everyone that you don’t care about how your actions have affected them. That you don’t think you fucked up. That it’s ok to spend 8 years pretending to be someone’s best friend, con them into a marriage, and then commit adultery with a coworker. You had told me you “needed time for yourself to think about things”. I don’t think those words mean what you think they mean. Staying with him is not how you spend time alone to think and reevaluate your life.

The next 4 days after that were the worst days of my life. I was already in a bad state because of your affair. I already had trouble eating. I already needed alcohol to numb my mind so that I could sleep. I was already spending most of the day at work just staring at my screen. But because of 2 seconds when I caught a glimpse of you walking down the street with him as I drove by I found myself in a much deeper hole.

And that moment, like many others in the last few months of our relationship, continues to torment me. Continues to cause me sleepless nights. Continues to deprive me of an appetite. Continues to cause the muscles in my back and neck to knot up. It’s no fucking fun. Heather Elise Wade