Problems

“Problems, problems with everything”
– From “Problems” by Against Me

Here is a list of problems you told me you saw in our relationship:
1) We didn’t go on enough dates
2) I didn’t say “I love you” enough

Wow. Look at that. What a shithead I am. How could I have been so terrible to you? Now I get why you had an affair. You were right to escape this hell hole of a marriage by any means possible.

We didn’t go on enough dates? Ok, fine. A reasonable request. I mean, we were busy people and we did spend 90% our time outside of work together (soccer, drinks with friends, watching TV, dinner at home, etc.) but you wanted to go out just the 2 of us. Understandable. So when I tried to make plans several times, how did you respond? “Oh, I can’t. I have this thing or that thing”. Right. Ok then. And did you plan any dates? Nope. So don’t pin this on me. At least I tried.

I didn’t say I love you enough? I’m sorry but were you completely blind to my actions? Cooking you dinner. Back rubs. Paying attention to you when you talked about your day. Working with you on living life together. I told you saying “I love you” isn’t something I’m going to do all the time. I prefer to show you. Words are easy. Anyone can say words. Did you say “I love you” to me all the time? Nope. So was this really that important you?

Whatever problems you thought we had, you didn’t make an effort to resolve them. These were solvable. With minimal effort. I tried. You didn’t. You told me “I didn’t think I had to tell you how to love me.” We were together for 8 years. If you didn’t like the way that I showed my love why would you stick around? I mean, you couldn’t possibly have thought a wedding would magically change anything? Right? Are you that delusional?

There are problems with everything in this world you selfish twat. As an only child, you were the center of attention. But despite being over 30, you still have no idea how to act like an adult and handle the simpliest of relationship “issues”. Heather Elise Wade

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No Fun

I had gone over the what-if-I-see-her scenario a hundred times, never really sure if it would happen. But only 2 weeks after I found out about your affair I saw you walking down the street. And you were with him. Oh how badly I wanted to confront you. To scream my guts out at you in the middle of the street. To beat the ever-living shit out of him. To take all of the pain you were causing me and give it back ten fold. But unlike you, I was able to stay rational despite my emotions. To think through my actions. To understand that there are consequences.

But it’s hard to get out of your car and walk a short distance when you are physically shaking. So I texted you. I told you what I just saw. Your response? “Would it make a difference if I wasn’t with him?” Some people say there are no dumb questions. They are wrong. That question is the stupidest fucking question I have ever heard. The answer, you selfish twat, is clearly “Fuck. Yes.” By staying with him you are telling everyone that you don’t care about how your actions have affected them. That you don’t think you fucked up. That it’s ok to spend 8 years pretending to be someone’s best friend, con them into a marriage, and then commit adultery with a coworker. You had told me you “needed time for yourself to think about things”. I don’t think those words mean what you think they mean. Staying with him is not how you spend time alone to think and reevaluate your life.

The next 4 days after that were the worst days of my life. I was already in a bad state because of your affair. I already had trouble eating. I already needed alcohol to numb my mind so that I could sleep. I was already spending most of the day at work just staring at my screen. But because of 2 seconds when I caught a glimpse of you walking down the street with him as I drove by I found myself in a much deeper hole.

And that moment, like many others in the last few months of our relationship, continues to torment me. Continues to cause me sleepless nights. Continues to deprive me of an appetite. Continues to cause the muscles in my back and neck to knot up. It’s no fucking fun. Heather Elise Wade

The Bad Luck of The Irish

Here’s an excerpt from The Tossers‘ “Wherever You Go” that I thoroughly enjoy singing along to at their shows:

Now woe to you wherever you go
To all of you bastards who have cheated me so
May you lay awake roaring in misery and woe
And be quickly defeated wherever you go

And wherever you go
Whatever you do
May you suffer the curse of god on you
FUCK YOU!

May you lose the eyes from your miserable face
And spend all your days here in scorn and disgrace
May not one of your prayers or your wishes come true
May you be confounded whatever you do

Even before I found out what a disgusting human being my ex-wife was, this was always one of my favorite Dropkick tunes. Now it’s just more relatable. Heather Elise Wade

Known Unknowns

You need to be made aware of the damage you have caused. You need to be made aware that your actions have had severe emotional consequences. I am ground zero. I burden most of the pain. But my family is hurt. My friends are hurt. They used to be your family. They used to be your friends. They used to love you but you turned your back on them too.

Do you have any idea what it’s like knowing that the person you trusted most in this world, the person who you thought was your best friend, has betrayed you without any hesitation? Without making an effort to fix whatever perceived “problems” we had? Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel your chest constantly being crushed and your gut twisted into knots every single day because the person you loved and thought loved you back not only didn’t love you, but has shown that they never actually cared about you?

Do you have a clue what it’s like to be physically shaking with so much rage and torment because you just saw your wife walking down the street with the man she just told you she had been sleeping around with? To have to pull your car over because you can’t focus on what’s in front of you because you’re completely lost in your own head? And then when you confront her about it, she acts as if it’s not a big deal?

Do you know what it’s like to be consumed with hatred for 2 years and counting because it’s the only way keep the pain from completely destroying you and sucking you back into an emotional black hole that you constantly struggle to stay out of?

Can you possibly comprehend when your significant other hated her mother for years for having an affair, has a best friend whose ex-husband had an affair and yet does the same thing? You pretended to not know what you were doing. To not know if you were “ready to be married” (Why are you questioning this less than a year after the wedding and not in any of the 8 years prior?).  You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew exactly how to abuse the trust we had built in order to get what you wanted and yet you don’t have the faintest idea as to the wreckage you left behind. Heather Elise Wade

Train in Vain

I’m generally not angry and hate-filled, but when the person who I thought was my best friend and partner for life stabs me in the back, these emotions tend to remain at the surface and that’s not good. This blog is an outlet for me to clear out the thoughts that constantly run through my head regarding my ex-wife’s affair with her co-worker and our subsequent divorce. It’s one of several things that I hope will help process the pain that she has caused me. These posts will be musings, ideas, stories, rants about or directed towards her, lyrics to songs that I will almost surely never see to completion, links to articles or songs, anything that seems relevant to the topic of this blog: the piece of shit that is my ex-wife. Heather Elise Wade